qtheallpowerful

Wanting to Write

Fri, 11 Oct 2019 21:38:47 GMT

I have so many thoughts inside my head, some on fandom, some on life, some just thoughts. And I want them out. I want to share them, but maybe not with the whole world. I want to write again, on paper so that it will be there from people to find when I am dead. Or even for me to find when I am old, and will remember things and feelings that no longer apply.

But I can't. I can't find the time, the energy, the motivation. And so they stay here in my mind, tormenting me and hurting.

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Nap-Time Skirt

Tue, 24 Sep 2019 02:16:43 GMT

Little Lady has just about outgrown the baby clothes that I have saved from her brothers, which means it's time to start making some new things for her. She's walking and running, and generally doing all the things, so I feel it's time to start switching her to skirts and dresses. I've been feeling rather down on myself for not getting things done and over complicating things. As such, I didn't want to spend time looking at patterns and choosing options. I wanted to make a skirt and be done. So, taking some inspiration from my own wardrobe, I made a simple pleated skirt. Because I like pleats. The hardest part of this was trying to decide how to do the pockets.

I'm once again grateful for having more fabric than I could possibly use in my lifetime, because I don't' need to worry that I might want it for something else and then not have it. Though why I have ten yards of tan corduroy, I honestly don't know. Anyway. I cut a piece 15x27 for the main, two 9x6 to use for the waistband and two 4x4 for the pockets. The waistband is in two, because there was some strange bunching in the middle of the piece and I didn't want to included it.

The first step was to hem it. I put a 3/4in hem, having first turned under 1/4in so the raw edge was enclosed. I used one of the slightly decorative stitches on my machine, in part so it would like nice, but also because I find if I straight stitch the hem it tends to fold up if I don't iron the garment. And I don't have time to iron skirts for my 2yo. Next I sewed up the side seam.

The waistband was simple as well. I sewed the two pieces into a tube, lengthwise, and then folded it over. This I matched up with he sides of the skirt, with a one inch inverse box pleat on both the front and back, mirrored. The pockets were put opposite the pleats. I did it this way so that when she dresses herself, no matter which way she puts it on she will have access to the pocket. There are few things more frustrating than arguing with a toddler about the correct way to wear their clothing. I again used the same decorative stitch to topstitch down the interior waistband seam. This way when the waistband if folded all the way down, it doesn't poke up at all. Also, it will be less likely to bother her.

All in all it took about an hour and a half, and while there are some mistakes, I'm rather pleased. Now I just need to wait till tomorrow so she can try it on. I always have anxiety that the things I make wont fit, even though I've never had that problem.

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Fri, 20 Sep 2019 17:28:14 GMT

I was talking with my son's principal today, and while not the subject of the meeting I asked about the new school social worker. I wanted to know if the kids would be able to talk to the social workers without the context of the discussion being told to parents. We live in an insular community and there are many things stigmatized. It is important for children to have a safe person with whom they can talk about things that they are not comfortable discussing with parents. I specifically told him my concern regard older children(this is a K-8 school) who are struggling with the ideas of puberty, sexuality, and mental health. He told me that he has spoken to the social workers about this a little, and hopefully it will work out that if the person approaches the social worker, the social worker can keep everything in confidence.

The principle told me that he has some of my same concerns, and there are a few kids he is keeping an eye on, because he suspects that some of the 'behavior issues' are do to them questioning their sexuality and orientation.

I am so scared for those kids. I really hope they can find a way to figure themselves out without being ostracized by their family and the community.

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Meltdowns

Wed, 14 Aug 2019 01:25:20 GMT

All the autistic people in my family were overstimulated at the same time today. One of them shut down, one was about 80/20 meltdown/tantrum, and then there was me, expending all my energy to not shut down or meltdown, while helping them through their stuff and simultaneously trying to keep the other two children calm and non-escalatory. It was very frustrating, and I am now very tired. I was tired before, as we have begun to work on waking up and having everyone ready as per our school schedule.

This whole event, and some of the things said by some family members makes me realize that I am the only one who knows what a meltdown is. Even though I am well aware of what it is, both because of watching my son, and having them myself, I still struggle to identify a meltdown vs a tantrum sometimes, so I can understand it being difficult for my husband and the other children. What this tells me is that my hopes for a therapy-free school year are for naught. Clearly as a family we all need to work on how we are interacting with my son specifically regarding how his autism presents.

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Family Poems

Tue, 13 Aug 2019 17:07:34 GMT

I was going through some piles of stuff and found two poems I wrote about my grandparents. These were written in February 2016, while visiting my grandmother. My grandfather had Alzheimer and died February 2010. My grandmother had Dementia and died May 2018. These are unedited.

Reunion

The night they come
The day they left
A joke was said
To have liked best.
If truth be known
And it must be said
The best of all
Were in between.
Not for the trips, or excited praise
Not for cookies, dogs, or lemonades
Simply being, that’s what you taught

It was not simple,
I can attest
Now that my own
Prevent my rest
For what you’ve done,
We’re grateful still.
Worth much more than Franklin’s bill.

Legacy

Thinking back all the years
The gifts you gave,
Innumerable.
I cannot believe
To see you now.
Memories flood my mind,
And shame to see you swept away
I’ll not sit by and watch you fall.

Trees and seas, Monopolies
Cookies, bikes, garage’s fights
Love and care. Beaver, where?
This is not your legacy
So much more, you can not see.

Connections built on solid ground
Visiting, love, friendships abound
In none have seen such might
As the family you built those nights
From across the world
We’ve come to be
You taught respect
And true family

So grateful I have come to know
My Bubby, whom I call my own

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To Fice, or Not to Fic

Mon, 12 Aug 2019 23:09:08 GMT

I’m seriously thinking about participating in the hogswatch_exchange. It’s been a long time since I’ve written, and most of the time between prompt assignments and the due date are the High Holidays.

I can’t decide and it’s frustrating.

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Tisha B'Av

Sun, 11 Aug 2019 03:47:27 GMT

How do you cry for something you’ve never had? How do we long for something that we have never known? Two hundred years ago, Napoleon saw us crying and mourning for the Bais Hamkidash with such intensity that he could not believe that it was not a recent event. And yet, here I sit two thousand, four hundred and thirty nine years after Nebuchadnezer had the Temple burned, and I feel almost nothing. It is good that the Sages proclaimed a way for us to grieve, because without it, would any of us really long for the day when it will be rebuilt? Maybe some, the very pious and learned, but not the regular people like me. I want to yearn, and long and grieve for the Bais Hamikdash. I want to want the coming of Moshiach and the time when G-d will be clearly revealed to us. But I don’t feel it. And that is the most tragic thing about it all.

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Recognition

Thu, 25 Jul 2019 14:49:40 GMT

I got a message from my boss/business partner(it’s complicated) today which read:
“I LOVE YOU AS AN ADMIN OMG
I need to make a billboard
NEED ADMIN? HIRE Q Q can’t do it? Go find someone with autism. Your business will thank you!”

It was a nice ego boost for one thing, but it was also really validating. A friend of mine commented that it seems kind of rude to be saying that being autistic automatically makes someone a good admin. I don’t see it that way, and I know that is not how my boss meant it. I see it as her acknowledging that there are many traits common to people with autism that can be hugely beneficial to someone in an administration position. In my case, it’s my obnoxious persistence, my enjoyment of repetitive tasks, and ability to analyze and organize multiple data points which seem unconnected.
Too many people look at the negative aspects of autism traits. The above mentioned ones can present negatively, but when given direction can be very helpful, and even make an autistic person more of an asset than a neurotypical one. It’s really nice to see someone not only realize this, but acknowledge it and want to publicize it. She wont be making the billboard, but the thought is nice.

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New Plan

Tue, 23 Jul 2019 03:22:17 GMT

I recently had a minor bipolar episode, which thank G-d is mostly under control now as far as I can tell. However, it made me realize that there are a number of things in my life that I am not quite content about. I’m not unhappy with things, but some things can definitely be better. One of the main things is that I seem to have fallen back into the habit of letting life happen to me, rather than being in charge of it. This needs to change. And in that vein, I want to be serious about rejoining the fandom world, and engaging in my special interests in an active way. I am tired of feeling that I don’t contribute. It’s going to be hard because I am still very unsure about Tumblr etiquette and how things work here(if anyone want to give me a primer, I would be very grateful.)

The first step is to start writing again - blogging, poetry and the occasional fic. I did write a series of Discworld haiku last week, and it felt very good to do that. I plan to write, and hopefully post, at least 200 words everyday, except Friday and Saturday. Some I will post on Tumblr, some on Dreamwidth, some on both. I still need to figure out how much of my life I want to blog about. When I started blogging as a teenager I was, well, a teenager. Add to that I was dealing with culture shock, a new bipolar diagnosis, and learning how to navigate a large social world with hidden Autism. My blog was not pretty. I look back at it and I really wonder how I managed to make the friends I did, and even keep some of them till now. I am not that person any more, but in some ways I still am.

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Speaker for the Dead

Wed, 03 Jul 2019 14:33:44 GMT

I want to write the life of spiletta42. She died one year ago, July 1, 2018. I want to write her story, the memoir she would have written, had she ever thought herself worth such a thing. But I am not an author, like she was. I am not crafty with words, and able to make a person feel the depth of emotion that was her life. Her kindness and caring can not simply be contained in those two words. They need to be felt. They were felt, by me, by Fandom, by the people in the town where she lived. No-one who knew her would tell you otherwise.

But this is beginning to sound like all those obituaries and empty things people always say when a person dies. So I will tell you about the one person who didn’t like Spi. Many years ago, Spi followed her dream, and opened a tack store. Spi loved horses, probably more than she loved G-d, if that’s not blasphemous to say. She opened the tack shop as a way to be surrounded daily by the thing she loved, and she gave up a lot in order to do so. She had a business partner, whose name I was never told. This women was sadly not of the highest moral standings, and as a result Spi lost not only the store, but her ability to do any other job but the one she hated, though was excellent at. Despite this Spi continued to live her life with joy. She developed a perpetual fear of the telephone, which she was able to overcome if it meant helping a friend through a difficult emotional time.

Spi lived in a strange town, with strange people. Good, kind, wonderful people, but strange. She would share stories of her daily life, and pick out the best bits to fuel the plots of her ever increasing library of fanfiction. Spi was an accountant by profession, and an author by desire. Spi was a nerd, in a very 80s sense of the world. Her house was decorated with all the things she loved, and a wide range of things they were: Archeology in general, but specifically the Aztec, the Maya and the Egyptians. Cephlopods held a large part of her heart, especially the Opabinia; Science Fiction, of course. She subscribed to Asimov, Archeology, Scientific American, and a few others I can not recall. Not only did she subscribe to them, but read every article, in every issue. Spi had boxes of index cards, on which she would write notes from anything she read that was interesting, and possibly useful in her writing. She spent a year building a custom floor to ceiling bookshelf with exactly spaced shelving for various types of media, so that her space would be as organized as possible. She loved diet coke, though she stopped drinking it years ago.

These are all some facts about who she was, but they are not enough to tell of the affect she had in the world. I know I am not the only one whose life was deeply and profoundly changed by knowing her. She was there to support me when making some of the hardest decisions of my life. She was unwavering in her belief that no matter how hard or bad things are, Life is better than not. I know that her belief has saved at least one person, but that is not my story to tell.

Spi was one of my first true friends, and though I only knew her for 15 years, and only met her in person once, I struggle to think of what my life would have been without her in it. I feel as though she has always been a part of my life, and though she is gone, she always will be.

Torah teaches us that a soul comes to this world for a purpose, to bring light and goodness into the world, and to make it a garden where G-d will want to dwell. Spi definitely did that, and now her soul has returned to G-d where it can be glad of a job well done. A poem I think of, not one I know if I wrote myself or one I heard from someone when I was too young to have experienced the pain that death leaves:

Death, really a happy time
Painful for those left behind

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Good Show, Not the Book

Wed, 03 Jul 2019 14:14:56 GMT

I just finished watching the show, and while I did enjoy it, I am really struggling. There are many aspects which I found wonderful, and squee worthy, and others that made me rather upset at the choices that Neil and the team made. I wish I had though to blog about each episode as I watched it, but I didn’t. It is a wonderful show. But it is missing a lot of what I love about Good Omens. Mostly the underlining currant of Good vs Evil and the grey areas between the two. It’s there, but barely, I think. I can’t be sure how much of this is a result of the medium as opposed to the way the show was written. I’d have to watch it again to know. I hope to have some time to elaborate on all of this, but for now, a short list of things I’d like to address.

Queen. I really like how they used Queen. Queen is wonderful and such a huge part of Good Omens. But, I think they relied too much on the songs to set the mood of the scene.

Aziraphale. Micheal Sheen did an amazing job here.

Crowley. I had a lot of reservations when they announced David Tennant, and while he really did a wonderful job, I am still uncertain about how I feel about him. It is not purely about how he was acted, but how he was written as well.

Them, Not happy, not happy at all. Well, no, I think Wensleydale was well done, but the rest I am very disappointed with. Rather than being a cohesive bunch of friends, they felt disjointed.

Adam. No. He lacked presence and leadership. I think the actor was well chosen, but not written well. The transformation from kid to antichrist was overly dramatic and a little to ‘The Exorcist’. In the book the transition was slow and human. He was not malicious. In the show he was. While the antichrist is supposed to be the villain, the way he is portrayed in the book as human despite his power is what draws me to him. See the above note re good, evil, and grey.

Anathema. Again, I am unhappy with how she was written. More on this latter.

I really enjoyed the addition of the flashbacks in history.

There is so much more I have to say about this, but lack the time right now. I also need to re-watch some bits. I’m not sure when that will happen though.

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